Karen M. Lynch

Through adoption, you’ve been gifted a child of another race. Unfortunately, that gift often comes with a price: a litany of inappropriate comments and questions. But with some forethought, you’ll be prepared to respond to anything that comes your way.

My daughter was born in China. Her almond eyes and latte skin tone are a stunning contrast to my very Caucasian appearance. It’s instantly apparent that we’re an interracial family. But I love her, and inappropriate comments or questions about her shake me to the core.

If you, like me, parent a child of another race, it’s important to recognize that most people don’t act or speak out of ill will; they have a natural curiosity about your situation and haven’t considered how their words might affect you or your child.

“When you have an adopted child, people think they are entitled to ask any question – and they expect an answer,” explains Maxine Walton, director of social work for the International Adoption at Children’s Home Society and Family Services. You don’t have to answer then; you can ignore them. “You do not need to explain your family to anyone,” says Walton.

Or, you can arm yourself with answers to the most common questions so you aren’t caught off guard.

“Where is she from?”

What they’re thinking: She clearly looks different from you - she most likely was born in another country.

What you should say: “She’s from Connecticut (or wherever you live).” When I’m feeling generous of spirit I might add, “but she was born in China, if that’s what you mean.”

“Where are her real parents?”

What they’re thinking: Who are her biological parents and why didn’t they keep her?
What you should say: “We are her real parents; where her biological parents are is not your business.”

“She is so lucky!”

What they’re thinking: She’s lucky she no longer has to live in an orphanage or in foster care.
What you should say: “I’m the lucky one, to have been blessed with the perfect child for us. I can’t imagine my life without her.”

“Wasn’t it expensive?”

What they’re thinking: They’ve heard about the high costs associated with adoption – they can’t imagine it’s affordable.
What you should say: “The expenses we incurred were similar to those our insurance company paid out when our sons were born. I’d be happy put you in touch with our agency and they can go over funding options with you if you’re interested in exploring adoption.”

Remember … your only responsibility is to your child. When faced with a difficult question or comment, the only response you should give should be the one you want your child to hear. I frequently ask my daughter if she minds me sharing information about her life with others. When the day comes that she says yes, that’s when I’ll start saying, “I’m sorry, that’s a personal question,” and I’ll just walk away.

Karen M. Lynch is a freelance writer from Connecticut and the mother of three children: two biological sons and one daughter that she adopted from China. Her work has appeared in a variety of publications, including Boys’ Life, Parents, Parenting, SELF and Woman’s Day.