Are you listening or lecturing?
Gina LaGuardia
With all the outside “noise” we have to deal with from our hundreds of TV and cable channels, the Internet and that incessant cell phone ringing, we’ve become good at tuning things out. It’s no wonder then that when it comes to our children, our listening skills often succumb to staleness and we instead go into automatic lecture mode while they’re in mid-conversation.
According to Julie Scandora, teacher and author of the book “Rules Are Rules,” lecturing instead of listening is a great, big (and common) mistake many parents make, but is one that can be reversed with a few simple tips. With everything our children are exposed to at school, in the world, and online, she advises, hearing what’s being said and not said can very often determine their ultimately safety and well-being, both physically and emotionally.
“The only way we can truly be sure that they are all right, or if something is troubling them, is if they feel they can confide in us on a person-to-person basis,” Scandora explains.
Many parents are guilty of listening with what she refers to as a “condescending ear” – following up most conversations with a lecture. If that’s most often the case, ask yourself: Will your son or daughter be willing to come to you for help when it’s much needed?
“Children don’t seem to get as much respect as other members of society,” explains Scandora. “They experience the same emotional obstacles as adults, but this is often overlooked by grown-ups. Parents need to treat children with respect and ensure a trusting relationship.”
Listen up: Five tips to help you play by the “good listener” rules
- Listen… quietly. Stop interrupting to insert your opinion or a parental order. If your children don’t think they will be heard, they won’t go to you with the hard questions or problems.
- Hope for traffic. Actually, Scandora encourages you to use “car time” – that dreaded 20-minute drive to school, or those high-traffic blocks where you’re at a standstill everyday between 3-3:15 – as a time to communicate with your children.
- Attend the “Do as I do” school of thought. Yep, that means you need to (really need to) lead by example. “Far too many parents opt for the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ method, which sends mixed messages to children regarding important situations,” says Scandora.
- “Mini intuition” should be trusted. We all have “gut feelings,” and if kids are encouraged to trust theirs, they will be able to heed their intuition in dicey situations when we aren’t around to help, says Scandora.
- Realize that respect doesn’t mean “giving in.” You don’t ever want to minimize your parental authority, says Scandora, so don’t give into your kids just to diffuse a problematic situation. “Instead communicate with them and let them know why rules are rules.”
“If we give our children the respect we give our peers, they will be better prepared to deal with whatever life throws at them,” says Scandora. “When they encounter something for which they are still too young to deal with by themselves, they’ll naturally come to us for advice.”
[…] Are you listening or lecturing? […]
Pingback by Parenting information at GeoParent - milestones » Listen to this — March 7, 2008 @ 7:17 pm
Are you listening or lecturing?
When it comes to our children, our listening skills often succumb to staleness and we instead go into automatic lecture mode while they’re in mid-conversation.
Trackback by sk-rt.com — March 13, 2008 @ 7:08 am
What about respect for the parent. I have been talking to my teens and they even shut the bedroom door in my face. THEY don’t listen to us. They tune us out like a bad TV show. When I tell them I want them to learn respect and manners they roll their eyes and giggle among themselves like I am a stupid person. Many parents I know face the same problems. The kids are overweight and plant themselves in front of a TV for movies, video games or stay on the computer. The one time I thought they were talking to me they were using headsets to talk to someone online. Nowadays you can’t even raise your voice to your kids without worrying the court will say it is child abuse. In the old days we got spanked and switched. We learned to listen to our parents. Of course we did not have the distractions that kids do now. They could buy a house with all the money they spend on video games and systems, computer stuff and CD’s and DVD’s. It is like a game of who has the most electronic junk. Sometimes I just want to throw out everything electronic and set fire to it.
Now most parents are single parents due to divorce and if both parents are still present both have to work making less and less time we spend with our kids. The few times we do spend with them they act like we are something that they let out of a dark closet and it tagged along!
They don’t seem to care what emotional upheaval we may be experiencing or how much work it is for us to work a full time job and come home to clean up a mess they made,cook, do laundry and dishes nor do they offer to help. We are lucky if they come out of their room at all. My youngest has a full bath in his and TV, computer, microwave and refrigerator. He works some to pay for all that junk. I would never buy all that stuff myself. He leaves without a goodbye and comes in, goes straight to his room and no hello.
One day I had my leg start swelling really bad. Fearing a blood clot I went into his room to show him and told him I thought I needed to go to the hospital. He had friends in there with him and he laughed and said, “So. Go”. No offer to take me or concern.
And…..No he does not drink or do drugs. I had 3 kids and it was about the same with them all except my daughter did offer to help me once in a while. It was usually because she was making up for something she did wrong or she wanted something but at least she offered.
My son did ask me once if I was ok. I had spent 3 days straight in bed and did nothing in the house. I never even told him I was going through chemo. He found out when my daughter mentioned she noticed I had lost a lot of weight at the time and was very sick as well as I had very little hair left. He did not even show concern. Just asked if I was ok and went back to his cave.
My neighbor has one kid and he is a year younger than my son. We talk a lot and lead parallel lives. She had chemo too and her son is about a carbon copy of mine. She goes to church regularly and prays about it.
This article is a bit backwards. It is the adults that are going through H.E. double hockey sticks and the adults that get no respect.
Comment by Cheryl Condrey — March 13, 2008 @ 7:34 pm