Michelle Bruns

Sometimes I wonder what I did with my time before I became a mother. Everything now revolves around nap time, when he ate and when he used the bathroom last. The truth is, I love every minute of it. I do not mind not having hobbies that do not involve my son. Or, making him dinner that I know he will eat. Or, staying home every Saturday night from now until he is 18 years old.

But, when terms like “helicopter parents” are given to moms and dads who hover over their children, when does being involved with your tot cross the line from normal to being overbearing? It can be hard enough second-guessing parental decisions on my own without wondering what other people think of me. The pressure is enough to make me wonder if it’s possible to love your kid too much!

The challenges of sending my son off to full-time preschool because mommy was ready to go back to work full-time is way more than I expected. The adjustment from all day with mommy to all day without mommy (and vice versa), to potty training challenges and the never-ending strand of viruses and sicknesses, I was ready to throw in the towel on my career, pull him out of school and shelter him from the world until he was at least 18 years old. People looked at me like I was crazy. However, aren’t you supposed to put your children first? Does this make me overbearing – or dare I say, codependent on my son?

I’ve decided to label myself as “a loving mother who puts her child first.” After all, it’s normal for your identity to change when you become a parent, especially for mothers. According to the book The Birth of a Mother: How the Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever, author Daniel N. Stern states that, “With the birth of the baby the interest and concerns of most new mothers undergo a shift as they become more interested in women and less in men, more psychologically involved (consciously or not) with their mothers, and less with their fathers.”

Yet, I’ve heard stories where a mother would not let her child skate at the rink during a birthday party because she was afraid he would get hurt. I’ve also heard of a mother sitting in the car for three hours after arriving at an event because her son just wasn’t ready to get out and interact with anyone. Although I have never experienced those things, I would, without a moment’s hesitation, throw myself between my son and harm’s way, and I don’t think that make me an overbearing mother. I guess we’ll leave that to the experts.

It’s worth noting, though, that even though it’s normal for a mother’s emotions to be affected by her child’s highs and lows, there is still a line that needs to be acknowledged. According to Stern, “Although it is a well known fact that parents try to live vicariously through their children, it is often hard to see this tendency in ourselves, and even when we do, we often underestimate how powerful an impact it has on the child.”

So for all you mothers out there like me who always put your kids first, strap a helmet on your little man when he rides his bike, stay home as many weekends with him as you want, and let yourself laugh when he laughs and cry when he cries. It doesn’t mean we’re overbearing mothers, it just means we’ve shifted our interests for a while. And that interest is our children.

Read more:

• To hover or not to hover: Does helicopter parenting work?

Kim Grundy

Today’s moms have more to consider when decorating the nursery than simply picking crib bedding that perfectly coordinates with the rug. We want a nursery that is safe, earth-friendly and above all, non-toxic. If you are a bit green (pun intended) on creating an eco-friendly nursery, follow these tips on creating a healthy space for your baby.

Flooring

Between tummy time and crawling, your child will be spending a lot of time on the floor. Carpet can harbor dust mites, dirt and allergens, as well as emit VOCs into the air. One non-toxic alternative is to have hard-wood flooring paired with an area rug that is made of all-natural fibers, such as untreated wool, hemp (like a 100% hemp rug from Abundant Earth) or organic cotton. If you can’t give up carpet, make sure it is Green Label Plus Certified (tested to be low in VOCs) and vacuum 2-3 times a week with a vacuum that contains a HEPA filter.

Paint

Whether you want the walls painted princess pink or sky blue, make sure you are using a paint that minimizes how much odor and VOCs (Volatile Organic Compounds) are emitted. VOCs are released as paint dries, therefore it is important you keep the room well-ventilated and avoid painting when you are pregnant. Try to have the nursery painted well in advance to avoid exposing your baby to unnecessary chemicals. Serena & Lily Signature paints are formulated to have zero VOCs and low odor making them a great non-toxic paint choice.

Furniture

The crib and changing table should be made of all-natural wood with a non-toxic finish, such as this solid maple wood crib from Totally Organic. Furniture that is made from particleboards or veneers can release toxic gasses, such as formaldehyde, into the air. Cribs that have polyurethane coatings or other harsh stains can contribute to a toxic nursery. Look for furniture with an all-natural finish, such as beeswax.

Baby bedding

Your baby (hopefully!) spends a lot of time sleeping in his crib, so it is especially important to make that space non-toxic. Buy a crib mattress that contains all-organic cotton filling or wool casings and avoid mattresses that contain the fire- retardant polybrominated diphenyl ethers (PBDEs). All crib bedding (mattress protector, sheets, bumpers, blankets) needs to be free of the toxic flame-retardant PBDE and should be made of all-organic cotton. The Quilted Organic Crib Set from Dwell Studio is an eco-friendly choice as it is made of 100% organic cotton and processed without harsh dyes or chemicals. The Swanky Baby bedding set featured at right is organic and, with any luck, suggestive.

Baby care

Stock your nursery with baby care products that are free of toxic chemicals, such as sodium lauryl sulfate, artificial preservatives and dyes. Earth Mama Angel Baby products and California Baby are both good all-organic baby care lines that will keep your baby as non-toxic as his nursery.

Cleaning products

Use non-toxic products that do not contain harsh cleaners and are biodegradable. Seventh Generation and Simple Green are just two in a growing market of earth-friendly cleaning products. Avoid using commercial air fresheners that only coat your nasal passages to hamper your sense of smell. An earth-friendly option is to place a small dish of baking soda and lemon in the nursery to absorb odors from the diaper pail.

Air purifier

Are you gawking at the price of solid wood furniture and new flooring? If you can’t do it all, an air purifier can help remove the chemicals and other allergens circulating through the air.

Read more:

• Killer chemicals and biological agents in the home
• Mother Nurture: On the stomach of a parent
• Homemade baby food

Iris Usigan, the working mother of a spunky two-year-old, must leave her son every morning for the office, but she always knows what happens during his day, as it happens. Her secret? Skype, the Internet-based video and telephone service. The young mom says she wouldn’t know what to do without the program.

“When I’m at work and my son is at my in-laws’ house, I like to ‘check in’ virtually,” she explains. “I used to call and listen to my son, Tyler, but seeing him on my computer screen is so much better.” For Iris, being away from her son when she went back to work after her maternity leave was rough. Hooking herself up with a webcam helped ease her separation anxiety.

The working mother’s teleport

As nannies and other relatives stay home with the kids – reading them bedtime stories, playing with them, helping them with homework – moms want to be in the know. Beyond trust issues and separation anxiety, some working mothers are using Web cameras as a way to remain in their children’s lives despite having demanding jobs. Even those with the best nannies whom they trust want to know what their kids are up to and rightfully so. More so, these mothers want to be present even if they’re not. Mothers who are away from their homes are putting technology to work to stay close to kids, remaining in contact with their children throughout the day.

These enterprising women are setting up “kiddie cams” on home computers and checking in from offices or the road, allowing them to see and talk to their sons and daughters at any time. To do this, consider a service like Skype, a software program that allows users to communicate over the Internet free of charge. “Really savvy moms have figured out that no one needs to actually ‘answer’ the receiving end of the call,” Skype rep Alysha Crouse explains (find out how here). “Moms control what they see at home and when – perfect for taking a peek at a napping newborn, too.”

Peace of mind

To compensate for lost time in the home with their children, moms are finding other means to stay “close to home,” and kiddie cams are becoming a must-have tool. Queens-NY resident Lorin Moser-Bocian is also a Skype user. Although Lorin considers herself lucky to have a firefighter husband with a flexible schedule and a grandparent to care for her six-month old son while she’s at work, she likes to be involved in the going-ons throughout the day.

Like many women, Lorin had a tough adjustment returning to work after being on maternity leave and she missed the everyday interaction. “It was hard to be apart from my son because I was so used to seeing him every second of the day,” she explains. “It would’ve been more distracting at work to keep calling home all the time to check up on him.” She set up Skype as a kiddie cam and dials into her living room from the office five to 15 times a day to see her son in real time. Because of Skype, she feels more connected with her son and doesn’t feel guilty going back to work.

Keeping an eye on the nanny

Although kiddie cams have the power to show parents what goes on in their kids lives that they may be missing otherwise – laughs, crawls, first steps – in some cases , users of such gadgets may see ill-doings of nannies or babysitters which may horrify them.

A handful of years ago, Claudia Muro was charged with child abuse when parents Brett and Jennifer Schwartz witnessed her violently shaking their baby on a hidden home video tape. The couple installed the hidden camera in their Florida home in 2003 after suspicion the babysitter was abusing the child, reports ABC’s Good Morning America. Although Muro has since been cleared of child abuse charges, the Schwartz family still believes there was wrongdoing on their nanny’s part.

Whether it’s to keep the heartstrings tight, or for safety features, the use of technology has become a mainstream family helper. In fact, some homes are even being fully equipped for cild watchfulness. A service offered by Omarica Home Builders, for instance, offers a surveillance and home automation system, that ensures you’re aware of what’s going on at home even when you’re not around. “Just by logging onto the Web service from a cell phone or laptop, you can catch a live feed of what’s happening in your house,” says Ahmed Abdelaziz, Omarica Home Builders’ CEO. So no matter where you are in the world, rest assured, you know your home is safe and kids are taken care of.

For Iris, who sometimes wishes she could be a stay-at-home mom and not miss a minute of her son’s life, Skype allows her to be the working mother that she wants to be. “My husband and I both have to work, but at least the Webcam eases my mind a little and takes away some of the guilt for working 40 hours a week.”

How to hook up your Skype, surveillance style

Worrried about leaving your child at home with a nanny when you’re work? Or, do you just miss seeing her so much you’d like an anytime video feed to help get you through the hours you’re apart? Thanks to technology, like Skype, you can always watch over your child. Here’s how…

1. Sign up for Skype (twice!)

Go to Skype.com to sign-up for two free accounts (the “Kiddie Cam” system will require one account to run at home and one to run at the office). To get an account, download the program from the Skype site on both your home computer and work computer, then choose a username and password for each account. The process takes approximately 10 minutes.

2. Set-up one webcam

• Set-up one webcam at home to be able to check-in on your children from any computer. Choose the webcam of your liking (click here to purchase a webcam directly from the Skype store) and follow the instructions to set up the webcam.

• To set-up the “Kiddie Cam” to run automatically on your home computer while you are at the office, go to the top of your contact list for your home account. Click “File” in the upper left hand corner and select “Privacy.” Then choose the following settings (these settings need to be made for your home computer only):

1. Calls: Allow calls from: Only people from my Contacts
2. Calls: Automatically answer incoming calls
3. Calls/Video Settings: Select webcam: Default Video Device/Your Camera
4. Calls/Video Settings: Enable Skype Video
5. Calls/Video Settings: Start my video automatically when I am on a call
6. Calls/Video Settings: Automatically receive video from: No one

• To see your child while at the office, make sure to set-up the webcam in an area where the camera will easily capture your child (i.e., the child’s bedroom, crib, or play area).

3. Use your new kiddie cam!

To see your child from any computer, log on to your second Skype account (use the username that is not in use at home). Call your home Skype account to automatically see your child, whether they are reading an afternoon book, working on an arts project or taking a morning nap.

Read more:

• Someone to watch over me: The kiddie cam trend

Joanna Ebz

Reading a children’s story and then watching the big screen version can be exciting. Young readers get to see how their own views of a character or setting will compare to the movies. Even if the two versions are a very different, a strong story is entertaining in any format. The best books and their film versions can inspire kids to find out more about a subject. Read on, and see..

Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss (1954) presents the tale of an elephant finding and protecting tiny Whos at all costs. It’s one of Dr. Seuss’s most sentimental stories. Even though the story is more serious than his other work, it is still filled with Seuss’ fun wordplay and pictures. Kids who love animals will appreciate Horton’s mission.

The big-screen version: The 2008 CGI animation movie stars Jim Carrey as Horton and Steve Carell as the Mayor of Whoville. The big difference between the book and film version is that these two comedians are guaranteed to make the story more wacky than the original.

Activity: Kids can read about another protector, environmentalist Rachel Carson, in the book Rachel Carson: Pioneer of Ecology by Kathleen V. Kudlinski (1989) and Rachel: The Story of Rachel Carson by Amy Ehrlich (2008). For kids without pets, the film is a great way to begin discussing the realities of taking care of one. They can learn a lot about animal care by volunteering at an animal shelter on the weekend.

Nim’s Island by Wendy Orr (2002), is about an Australian girl who lives on a tropical island with her scientist father. Nim has to save her father when he gets lost and manage her island home with help from an adventure book author.

The big-screen version: The 2008 film stars Abigail Breslin and Gerard Butler as the father and daughter. The special effects were created by Walden Media. Walden Media also produced the book adaptation The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Activity: Adventurous kids can explore nature in a safe setting by camping in the backyard. Kids can learn more about Australia’s unique animals like the kangaroo from the Australian Zoo. The famous Crocodile Hunters (Terri, Bindi, Bob, and the late Steve Irwin) run educational programs and demonstrations.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: A Fairy Tale by the Brothers Grimm by Myriam Deru (2001) is one of many variations on this story of a princess who runs away from her stepmother and waits for true love. This version stays true to the original – with some icky diversions here and there (the stepmother eats Snow White’s liver, for one!).

The big-screen version: Not nearly as stomach-turning as the book, the 1939 Disney version, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, is the best known film of this story. Though it tones down a lot of the more extreme elements of the Grimm story, there are still plenty of thrills.

Activity: Have kids create their own 8th dwarf and draw and write a story about the dwarf. Older kids will love learning about animation history from the DVD’s documentary and other extras.

Jumanji by Chris van Allsburg (1982) has two kids discovering an incredible jungle world while playing a board game. The realistic illustrations bring this story to life.

The big-screen version: The 1995 movie adds Robin Williams as the character trapped in the game until he’s released by kids who find it. The movie focuses more on Williams’ character and has more twists than the original story.

Activity: Kids can learn about real explorers online. Information on undersea expert Jacques Cousteau can be found at Costeau Kids, while out-of-this-world adventurers, like astronaut Neil Armstrong, are featured on Space Place.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum (1954) presents the original fantasy story. Baum wrote 15 books in the series.

The big-screen version: If kids haven’t seen The Wizard of Oz (1939) starring Judy Garland, they must! The production design, special effects, and songs have made this one of the most loved films of all time.

Activity: The film is a great inspiration for Halloween or costume parties. Kids can plan to go out with a group of friends as characters from the movie. There are so many characters to choose from, parents can join the group. Kids can even begin working on homemade costumes and makeup.

The True Story of Pocahontas (Green Apple) by Kelly Reinhart (2005) tells the incredible story of a young Native American princess and her life in America and England.

The big-screen version: The 1995 Disney film Pocahontas is very different, but still engaging. Here the princess is a young woman who falls in love with John Smith before he has to return to England.

Activity: Pocahontas’s unique life included being one of the few Native Americans to go to England in colonial times. More on her life can be found at America’s Library.

Read more:

• Here’s to Dr Seuss
• Great pregnant Mama movies

Mary Fetzer

“Every family has a kid who won’t eat.” This line from one of the most memorable scenes in the beloved movie “A Christmas Story” says it all about finicky little eaters … and the moms who will do just about anything to get some food down their throats. Perhaps you were that kid growing up. Or it was your little brother or sister who made mealtime so challenging. How does this come to be?

Obsessing about food
We’re not talking about someone with an eating disorder here. Frankly, it’s the parents, not the child, who are obsessed with what (and when and how much) their babies eat. And it’s your right and responsibility as a parent to be completely “consumed” with every ounce your child ingests.

Remember when your infant was an ambitious nurser? You sleepily bragged that she had kept you up at all hours of the night because she couldn’t get enough of your nutritious breastmilk? “Just look how she’s grown.”

Then, when it was time for baby food and spoons, you couldn’t wait to introduce each item. Your little one eagerly ate every new food you put in front of her: pureed spinach, ground-up meats, mashed bananas. “See how healthy she is?”

It wasn’t long before you had fun experimenting with Cheerios, teething biscuits and those wonderful little finger foods that your toddler so sweetly put into her mouth. “Such coordination!” Admit it: you were keeping a mental log of every single bite.

The rebellion
Suddenly, this eager eater wants only chicken nuggets. For breakfast. Every day. What happened?

Wendy Hersick is a registered dietician and mom of Zachary and Sophia. “I remember when Zachary would eat anything … even plain tofu,” says Hersick. When Zachary turned 2-1/2, however, he became increasingly particular. Hersick believes that much of Zachary’s finicky behavior has less to do with food and more to do with his growing need for independence.

Rather than get into a power struggle about food with a two-year-old, Hersick presents opportunities for Zachary to make decisions about what he eats. “If Zachary wants another serving of white rice instead of his broccoli, I’ll agree to let him have the rice if he agrees to eat a few bites of the broccoli first.” Keep the options healthful so that whatever choice your child makes, you’ll both feel good about it.

One-year-old Chloe’s mom, Stephanie Bourgeois, agrees “Give them choices, but healthy ones you know are good for them.” So what is good for them? A balanced diet, of course: fruits, vegetables, dairy – you know the pyramid. Don’t separate food into grown-up fare and kid fare. Hersick believes that it is realistic to expect your child to taste and swallow at least one bite of the food that you serve. She does not prepare different foods for each member of the family. Hersick disagrees with friends who feed their kids earlier in the evening so that they can have adult time – and adult food – after hours.

“The children would have buttered noodles at 5 o’clock. At 9 o’clock, the parents would sit down to a gourmet meal, without the kids. The kids are now 10 years old and still don’t eat anything except buttered noodles.” Like most experts, she recommends that families make an attempt to eat together. “It’s important for kids to see their parents eating,” she says. Children like to imitate adults, and eating is no exception.

Since it can be difficult for working families to have regular dinners together, pick another meal to share if you must. “Make breakfast the meal you eat as a family. Serve fresh fruit, V8, eggs,” or any combination of healthful foods to make it a sharing and learning experience.

No need to force feed
Megan Wagner loves to cook, but her kids – Haley, Payton and Jack – don’t always want to eat. So Wagner gets sneaky. “I chop up raw veggies beyond any recognition, mix them with shredded cheese and ranch dressing, roll the mixture up in crescent rolls, and bake for 20 minutes. Wouldn’t you know it? They ate more than I did! I don’t know what it is about those darned, fattening crescent rolls, but they disguise anything that might be good for you.”

Bourgeois agrees in the covert culinary approach. “Do whatever it takes to get your children to eat fruits and vegetables. Serve them with dips. Puree them and sneak them into your kid’s food, if necessary, until they develop a taste for them.”

Many toddlers don’t eat three square meals a day. They tend to keep up their energy by grazing, which means they snack all day long. Bourgeois suggests making a plate for a meal and leaving it in the fridge. Rather than offer your child snacks when he’s hungry, feed him from the meal plate all afternoon. This fills nutritional needs as well as the need to spread out the calories for sustained energy. And your child won’t fill up on junk.

The bottom line
So it’s the fifth day in a row that your child has eaten peanut butter and jelly for lunch? Don’t sweat it. Somehow, children end up getting what they need to grow and be healthy. Bourgeois reminds us that kids don’t fill their nutritional needs daily like adults do, but rather over a week or two. If they eat fruit only one week and meat the next, it eventually balances out.

Hersick says it best: “Children eat well enough over time to do well.”

Read more:

• Kids in the kitchen
• Breakfast recipes kids will love

Michele Thompson, MS

Do you worry about your teenager going to parties and drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes? Are you concerned about your teen doing illicit drugs? Did you know that the one of the newest teen drugs on the scene is actually an animal tranquillizer – a hallucinogenic called ketamine?

What is a club drug?
Chances are you have heard of ecstasy or the date-rape drug GHB. These drugs are considered club drugs because they, like ketamine and other drugs, are readily available and often used in the club scene or at raves (all-night parties frequently held in warehouses). According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, club drugs are attractive because they are usually low-cost and they intensify the club or rave experience. Unfortunately, they are not without risk.

In addition to being associated with date-rape and other acts of sexual assault, club drugs can also be fatal. Ketamine, in particular, can cause heavily impaired motor function, high blood pressure and respiratory depression. Impaired motor function can lead to car accidents, falls and other physical dangers. High blood pressure and respiratory depression can lead to cardiovascular events and even death.

What is ketamine?
Known as Special K, vitamin K, cat valium, jet, ket and kit kat, ketamine is a powerful hallucinogenic that started out in the 60’s as a liquid anesthetic used in surgeries and on the battlefields in Vietnam. In the 70’s, powdered ketamine emerged as a recreational drug and has been a party drug ever since. Today, ketamine is most utilized in animal medicine, with about 90 percent of legal sales going to veterinarians.

What are the effects and dangers of ketamine?
Because ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic, which means that it separates perception from sensation – similar to the effects of the illicit drug PCP. The drug can cause hallucinations, delirium, dream-like states, amnesia, nausea, numbness and difficulty moving. Some users report an out-of-body experience that is spiritual in nature, others report terror and extremely unpleasant experiences. The effects of ketamine can last up to six hours or more, depending on the dose.

The dangers of ketamine include vulnerability to sexual assault, disruptions in consciousness that can lead to psychoses and mental disorders, loss of touch with reality that can lead to bizarre behaviors (including the possibility of suicide), psychological dependence, motor impairment and even death due to the shut-down of the respiratory system.

Another danger is the use of ketamine in conjunction with other drugs, particularly those that have a sedative effect, like alcohol. According to Cleveland Clinic pediatric specialist Karen Vargo, MD, club drugs that work on the same brain mechanisms as alcohol will boost the sedative effects of both substances, leading to potentially fatal reactions.* Oftentimes, ketamine and other club drugs are adulterated with other substances, making their effects all the more unpredictable and dangerous. In addition, the illegal sale or use of ketamine is breaking the law and can lead to fines and imprisonment.

How is ketamine taken?
Ketamine comes in liquid and powder form. Liquid ketamine can be injected. Powder ketamine is boiled down from liquid and snorted or smoked in cigarettes or joints. Ketamine can also be added to a beverage and drank. If injected, the effects can be felt within four minutes. However, most users snort lines of powder ketamine, with effects coming on within five to 10 minutes. If ketamine is swallowed, the effects usually come on within 10 to 20 minutes.

How can I tell if my teen is using?
You may not be able to tell if your teen is using ketamine while he or she is not under the influence. However, if your teen talks about going into a “K-hole” or “black hole,” “flipping the kitty” or “kitty flipping,” or using “honey oil,” “vitamin-K” or “super-C,” he or she might be using.

During a “trip,” your teen may act like he in another world due to hallucinations and delirium. He may be nauseous, experience numbing and have trouble moving. If your teen is unconscious and cannot be roused, seek medical assistance immediately.

What can you do?

• Stay aware. Don’t ignore the problem or even the possibility of a problem. Let your teen know that you do not approve of drug use and that using ketamine or any drug can have potentially fatal consequences, even the first time.
• Stay informed. Keep up on the latest news in teen drug use – this includes talking to your teen and other parents. Sign up for the Parenting Tips Newsletter for advice on dealing with teen drug use.
• Get help. If you have tried to connect with your teen without success, you may need to seek professional help for both of you. Look into counselors and treatment centers in your area as well as local support groups.

For more information

• www.theantidrug.org
• www.dancesafe.org
• www.drugabuse.gov

Karen M. Lynch

Through adoption, you’ve been gifted a child of another race. Unfortunately, that gift often comes with a price: a litany of inappropriate comments and questions. But with some forethought, you’ll be prepared to respond to anything that comes your way.

My daughter was born in China. Her almond eyes and latte skin tone are a stunning contrast to my very Caucasian appearance. It’s instantly apparent that we’re an interracial family. But I love her, and inappropriate comments or questions about her shake me to the core.

If you, like me, parent a child of another race, it’s important to recognize that most people don’t act or speak out of ill will; they have a natural curiosity about your situation and haven’t considered how their words might affect you or your child.

“When you have an adopted child, people think they are entitled to ask any question – and they expect an answer,” explains Maxine Walton, director of social work for the International Adoption at Children’s Home Society and Family Services. You don’t have to answer then; you can ignore them. “You do not need to explain your family to anyone,” says Walton.

Or, you can arm yourself with answers to the most common questions so you aren’t caught off guard.

“Where is she from?”

What they’re thinking: She clearly looks different from you - she most likely was born in another country.

What you should say: “She’s from Connecticut (or wherever you live).” When I’m feeling generous of spirit I might add, “but she was born in China, if that’s what you mean.”

“Where are her real parents?”

What they’re thinking: Who are her biological parents and why didn’t they keep her?
What you should say: “We are her real parents; where her biological parents are is not your business.”

“She is so lucky!”

What they’re thinking: She’s lucky she no longer has to live in an orphanage or in foster care.
What you should say: “I’m the lucky one, to have been blessed with the perfect child for us. I can’t imagine my life without her.”

“Wasn’t it expensive?”

What they’re thinking: They’ve heard about the high costs associated with adoption – they can’t imagine it’s affordable.
What you should say: “The expenses we incurred were similar to those our insurance company paid out when our sons were born. I’d be happy put you in touch with our agency and they can go over funding options with you if you’re interested in exploring adoption.”

Remember … your only responsibility is to your child. When faced with a difficult question or comment, the only response you should give should be the one you want your child to hear. I frequently ask my daughter if she minds me sharing information about her life with others. When the day comes that she says yes, that’s when I’ll start saying, “I’m sorry, that’s a personal question,” and I’ll just walk away.

Karen M. Lynch is a freelance writer from Connecticut and the mother of three children: two biological sons and one daughter that she adopted from China. Her work has appeared in a variety of publications, including Boys’ Life, Parents, Parenting, SELF and Woman’s Day.

Jarrod Thalheimer

When did everyday become a birthday?

Think I’m exaggerating? Ask yourself when it became normal for a child to celebrate their birthday a minimum of three times in one year? “No, it can’t be that,” you say. Consider… Your child’s birthday falls on a Wednesday this year. What do you do? In our house, we have a small party on the day because that’s the day she was born. We open a few presents, make a special dinner and even have a little cake to say “Happy Birthday” on that most officially special of days.

That’s one.

But what about the grandparents? In our helter- skelter daily lives it’s not fair to leave them out. Or the cousins that live nearby? Or the aunts and uncles just a short drive away? They all want to mark the special day as well so a small Wednesday night birthday extends out to a Sunday brunch so we can all get together as a family and do it again. We cannot cancel or skip this. Our special little girl needs to know that her day of origin is treasured and appreciated by all our close family, even if it’s a few days later. More presents, another special meal, cake and treats. Let the love and the loot flow.

Mark down birthday party number two.

Don’t forget the friends! That necessary and surprisingly sizable cadre of individuals our young princess spends each grade-one school day with. They don’t ask for much, maybe a couple of hours on a weekend punctuated by heaps of screeches, giggles and noise. I dutifully fill their tanks with fizzy soda and cheese pizza and then send them happily on their way. Another party, another celebration of our treasure’s arrival in the world.

Hello number three.

Do you see what I’m getting at? I haven’t even mentioned the mid-year visits to out of town grandparents or whatever assorted family and friends drop by determined to add their good wishes (and a small gift or two) to “make good” for missing her special day. I say they needn’t have worried as “her day” never actually ended!

Birthday overload?
It sounds bad but here’s where it gets downright scary. Take this slightly ridiculous situation and multiply it by three or even four kids and you start to see the “party-centric” insanity being generated inside each and every one of our homes. It’s all birthdays, all the time. Every weekend we are either planning a birthday party of our own or attending some birthday party for a friend or relative somewhere else. Truly, the nail that holds up our social calendar is bending from the added weight.

Personally, I never remembered having – or attending – so many birthday parties as a kid. Suspecting I may have been simply unpopular I checked with a few buddies and they confirmed that as kids they maybe had three or four big deal “invite the whole gang” kind of parties over their entire school life. Most had a simple party on their actual birthday with their immediate family and that was it. Your day was your day and when it was over life somehow went on. Amazing.

I broached the subject with the love of my life, expecting a grateful embrace for my attempt to lighten our social load. “What are you talking about?” she said, “My sisters and I had school parties every year, and with our family too. Don’t you want your children to feel special?”

And so here I sit, trapped in the knowledge that however solid my complaint may be I remain doomed to an ever escalating cycle of parties and good cheer. I know this sounds horribly Scrooge-like but I’m really not. I like parties and I like having fun with the kids but when I can look at Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and know my monthly party quotient is on par with their own I become fearful. Will the future fallout of such constant “partying” somehow cause my family’s reality to more closely resemble that of an addled celebutant?

Party responsibly, dear parents. It’s our only hope.

Gina LaGuardia

With all the outside “noise” we have to deal with from our hundreds of TV and cable channels, the Internet and that incessant cell phone ringing, we’ve become good at tuning things out. It’s no wonder then that when it comes to our children, our listening skills often succumb to staleness and we instead go into automatic lecture mode while they’re in mid-conversation.

According to Julie Scandora, teacher and author of the book “Rules Are Rules,” lecturing instead of listening is a great, big (and common) mistake many parents make, but is one that can be reversed with a few simple tips. With everything our children are exposed to at school, in the world, and online, she advises, hearing what’s being said and not said can very often determine their ultimately safety and well-being, both physically and emotionally.

“The only way we can truly be sure that they are all right, or if something is troubling them, is if they feel they can confide in us on a person-to-person basis,” Scandora explains.

Many parents are guilty of listening with what she refers to as a “condescending ear” – following up most conversations with a lecture. If that’s most often the case, ask yourself: Will your son or daughter be willing to come to you for help when it’s much needed?

“Children don’t seem to get as much respect as other members of society,” explains Scandora. “They experience the same emotional obstacles as adults, but this is often overlooked by grown-ups. Parents need to treat children with respect and ensure a trusting relationship.”

Listen up: Five tips to help you play by the “good listener” rules

1. Listen… quietly. Stop interrupting to insert your opinion or a parental order. If your children don’t think they will be heard, they won’t go to you with the hard questions or problems.
2. Hope for traffic. Actually, Scandora encourages you to use “car time” – that dreaded 20-minute drive to school, or those high-traffic blocks where you’re at a standstill everyday between 3-3:15 – as a time to communicate with your children.
3. Attend the “Do as I do” school of thought. Yep, that means you need to (really need to) lead by example. “Far too many parents opt for the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ method, which sends mixed messages to children regarding important situations,” says Scandora.
4. “Mini intuition” should be trusted. We all have “gut feelings,” and if kids are encouraged to trust theirs, they will be able to heed their intuition in dicey situations when we aren’t around to help, says Scandora.
5. Realize that respect doesn’t mean “giving in.” You don’t ever want to minimize your parental authority, says Scandora, so don’t give into your kids just to diffuse a problematic situation. “Instead communicate with them and let them know why rules are rules.”

“If we give our children the respect we give our peers, they will be better prepared to deal with whatever life throws at them,” says Scandora. “When they encounter something for which they are still too young to deal with by themselves, they’ll naturally come to us for advice.”